Living with Aspergers

Well, there's more to it than that. For the last quarter century I thought that being insulin-dependent was the worst that the universe could throw at me. Now, I'm presented with an analysis that makes most of what I've thought, felt and done through both that quarter century and the one before it a little bit questionable.

The really big question is: if I'd stayed on the track I was on before that, instead of getting sidetracked into this black hole question of "Do I have Aspergers?" and "What can I do about it?", would I be better off, or worse?

It's a difficult analysis. Three years after becoming convinced - after personal research, consultations with nearest and dearests, consultations with GPs and psychologists - that Aspergers syndrome offered a better explanation of recurrent situations that bugged me than the next best explanation, I've found out that I don't have a diagnosis yet. I discovered this in conversation with an aspie who's pursuing a PhD studying the workplace experiences of Aspies.

I'm not eligible for inclusion in his researches because the local organisation that promotes the cause of autism and its treatment doesn't have me on its books. To get there requires formal diagnosis from specialists in two different fields: the ones I'm waiting for appointments with are a psychologist who's been applying neurofeedback techniques to me for the last few months, and - if the second opinion is essential - a psychiatrist who spent a year or so treating me two decades ago.

Well, I wouldn't care except that the whole thing has me feeling a little short-changed by life. If I can use my experience effectively and in doing so make the experience even a tiny bit easier for someone else that'd be worth it. If I can use my experience to make what remains of my life even a tiny bit easier, that'd be worth it.

If I try everything in sight and fail completely to get any closer to a productive role - well, that isn't going to feel terribly good to me but if I record it all honestly, there's a chance that someone else can gain from the information. Isn't there?